Saturday, February 18, 2012

#Fail

If there is one thing I LOVE about my blog friends, it is their transparancy. So in keeping with my friend, Hallie and her recent post, I just want to kind of own up to some stuff too. Or as Matt says, "take ownership". If you want to skip my whiney sob-story, skip to the stars at the end and feel free to offer any suggestions...

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So basically, I am pretty much falling apart at the seams. Like if I had seams, but I don't. But let's just say that I am so thankful that my head is actually stuck to my neck otherwise I would 1) lose it or 2) indeed hear that really loud POP! When I remove it from my butt. (Matt said that too.) And I would like to say that this all just popped up when Aiden was diagnosed with Type 1, but no. That would be a lie. It has been since Emma was born. It was like all was fine and dandy (and clean and organized) and then out pops Emma and I lost ALL brain cells and all ability to funtion like I had prior to January 7, 2005. From the moment we came home, I was a mess. I have this cabinet and counter top in our front room (formal dining room > office > playroom > junk storage facility) and it was piled with JUNK for MONTHS after Emma was born. It was the first sign. I also just sat at home and held her while she cried for 13 weeks and watched Everyday Italian and Barefoot Contessa and I hated those shows. But I was scared to do anything so I sat there and held her. It was great, I loved it and her so much, but it didn't help with spiral to disorganization. And then I kind of pulled it together enough to get my counter cleaned off and wised up enough to quit being a real CPA and went to work part-time at a construction company doing their bookkeeping and office management. Best. Decision. Ever. So then we had Aiden and it was a little better (and I am meaning my ability to funtion as a rational, thinking human - nothing about them, that really was all great and Aiden was a rockstar of an easy baby!!!) So we definitely had our moments thinking we were on track, but then I turned into a hoarder and disorganized. I literally keep EVERYTHING! I just can't part with their baby stuff. So we just keep getting more and more stuff and I keep just piling it upstairs and I should really show you a picture. I might, but  right now I think I would just absolutely SHOCK you and I don't want to do that to you. Then we had 2010, aka the year from HELL. I just really said it, not H-E-double hockey sticks, but really HELL!!! First my Nana died completely unexpectedly and it just completely broke us. I still cry just about everyday about it. Seriously. Don't tell my obgyn because I totally lied about that. But I do. I miss so much about her. But then we had several other family friends die and then in August my cousin, Kyle, drowned in Destin. He was a single dad to 2 teenagers and was an amazing person. That was on a Thursday, I think and Aiden was diagnosed the next Wednesday with diabetes. We had to leave him at the hospital with Matt's parents to go to the funeral. It was so tragic and so hard. It still just makes me sick. So then it was kind of like, ok God, what's going to happen next... Then my aunt died, another aunt died, an uncle died, and another aunt died all within one year from when my Nana died. So since then we have all been feeling a little lost and vulnerable, I think. My kids are SKILLED about Jesus and Heaven and funerals. So that's good I guess. But needless to say, I have a little anxiety about what's going to happen next. My face looks like a teenager (not me when I was a teenager, I NEVER had acne then!) But now I am a full-fledged pizza face. It is so embarassing. I rarely wear make up just because it seems to make it worse and that just makes me look worse! And while we are on looks, did I mention that I am cheap? Yeah, I am. So I went to a beauty college and got my haircut for $9. Score! Right? WRONG!!!! I haven't gotten a haircut in almost a year because it has taken that long to grow back out to where I am even halfway comfortable. And now it is just all jacked up and awful.

So we have covered anxiety, acne, and bad hair...moving on to...clothes!! I always used to want to go on What Not to Wear. I have NO idea what goes together or what is in style. I even wore my maternity clothes for a really long time after I had Emma so my sister in law could turn me in and they would have good footage when they did my show. ;) And I have always been not thin so that adds to the yuckiness of my clothes. When Aiden was diagnosed we had a diet Nazi for a endo and I was scared to eat anything and I sure wouldn't eat anything that I didn't want Aiden to eat (I know he CAN eat it, but we like to make sure we only do snacks in moderation) and I really did and even lost 25 pounds (I know, how sucky did I eat before). Then we got our AWESOME endo and he let Aiden be a kid and we got on the pump and although "we" still try to only snack in moderation, we let him have WAY more than we did, but he is totally on track and in a healthy weight for his height so all is good...for him. This is so embarrassing, and I HATE this phrase... "Do as I say, not as I do", but that is really what I have been doing, except that it is like "Eat as I say, not as I do" and I have probably gained all of that 25 pounds back in the last few months. Sickening. I just hate that and I so don't want to be like that to Emma and Aiden, like expect them to "make good decisions" and "choose healthy snacks" and then sneak brown sugar and chocolate chips into my peanut butter apple dip or sneak most of the Halloween candy that Matt bought from them and they maybe got 2 pieces of. What a hypocrite! Awful!!!

So, on to lack of focus and fogetfulness. It is bad. At home, I worry about work and at work I worry about home. And the disorganization at home and work are so bad that I to the point that I am so overwhelmed that I don't accomplish anything anywhere. It is pitiful. And even the work that I do accomplish is not up to par. Matt's new saying is "It is what it is" because he is just coming to accept the fact that our house is constantly in a state of shambles. And also, I work less than 1/2 the hours that he does. And at work my 2 bosses are like "do you need help?" and I try hard at work to at least appear like I am on top of things, but it is quickly becoming apparent that I am so not. And I literally forget everything that I don't write down and this week I even lost something that I wrote down, so I forgot it anyway. I so wish I was kidding.

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I so badly want to be one of those Moms who is on top of everything, who cooks, cleans, does laundry (Lord help me, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my mom's help on that!!), creates a loving sanctuary for her husband and kids to come home to, who has a candle burning and brownies in the oven, who has quiet time and reads scripture and goes to Bible study, who has clean toilets and runs 5 miles a day, who volunteers,  who is always early, who reads real books and makes time for friends and mom, who advocates for Type 1 and knows just what to say when someone tells her that he's not going to donate to a disease that can be cured by eating vegetables, and whose kids have brushed hair and brused (twice daily) teeth and clean finger nails, and clean cute outfits. But I'm just not there right now.

So, all that said... I definitely am not looking for "You're doing great"s or anything like that, but I would LOVE to know your secrets!! What do you do to be more organized or just to make your life more peaceful or joyful? What really works? I have all these pins on Pinterest, but I would just love your "real life" tips too. Is there anyone who feels really on top of stuff and how do you do it? Thanks for listening!!

7 comments:

  1. First, you have to say no sometimes...a lot! Trust me everyone is overwhelmed and if they say they aren't they're lying. Also, remember most of the people who you just described as having it all together probably don't work, don't sleep and feel like they are failing too. You can't compare yourself or your life to anyone else's. We all have our own struggles and we all put on brave faces every day. I'm really a perfectionist but I know I can't do it every day. I can't cook every day, I can't volunteer everyday, I can't hold it together every day. But, I can love my kids to death every day, I can do my best every day, I can make myself happy every day. You also have to do things for yourself. That's where saying no is important. If you want to exercise than you can. If you want to bake you can. If you want to go shopping you can. I know it's easy for someone to tell you all these things but you have to just start doing it. I used to weigh almost 200 pounds after I had Laci. One day I just woke up and said no more! Losing weight is hard and it sucks! Keeping it off sucks more! But, you have 3 good reasons and one GREAT reason to work at it. You're a great mom, wife and friend. You just need time for yourself. And no worries we all cry everyday about something;-)

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  2. Oh honey . . . that 'perfect mother' you describe? She doesn't exhist!!!! Seriously, some mom's might have days where it appears it all comes together, but something has been left out or forgotten and it is probably something big like forgetting to pick up your child somewhere.

    I hear a REAL Mama having a tough time with all that life has thrown at her.

    I hear a REAL Mama needing to hear it is OKAY to tell her obgyn all is NOT okay.

    I hear a REAL Mama who has experienced great losses and isn't fully recovering before plowing ahead.

    I hear a REAL Mama who is going to be told "It's okay to ask for help from a Dr. for some coping skills . . . and it may involve medication for awhile but that is OKAY" (that's me telling you this)

    Say 'no' more often to requests of your time and talents.

    Say 'yes' more often to offers of help.

    Say 'yes' to that inner voice when it screams "I need a break" and find a way to make it happen.

    You are okay. You can be better and things could be worse. Don't settle for less and find a way to speak up for yourself. Accept a helping hand, girlfriend. You are too sweet and kind and pretty to be so sad :(

    My head nodded in empathy for so many of your struggles.

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  3. Wow Leigh! That was a long post! But I read every word. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You are not alone! I am with you on everything from the laundry to the food thing. Really with you there unfortunately.

    I think some seasons are just hard. I'm going through one right now. My war has been ringing NON STOP for over a month. Yes, I saw the doctor and it should stop in a couple months. Great. I dropped and shattered my phone. 150 bucks to replace. Money we don't have to spend on stuff like that. Matthew's numbers are crazy right now. And on top of that, I have a yeast infection. Ahhhhhhhh!!!! Honestly I am in a bad mood.


    But, this is supposed to encourage you. So....I'm even failing there. The point is that we need to take things on day at a time. And not compare ourself to others. We'll never measure up because we don't see the full picture.


    I heart you.

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  4. I can so relate, especially with the acne. I hate it. Here are my two tips for what they're worth: If you have something in your hand do something with it right then, trash it or put it in the place it needs to go, don't just lay it down somewhere. Also, I've been to dermatologists for years and been on every kind of medicine there is and nothing worked. I tried Proactive about a month ago and my face is clear!! Good Luck! Your children are adorable by the way!

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  5. Ah, the desire to be on top of things, have things under control, do everything we think we are supposed to be doing...it can suffocate you!!
    Reality check...you have gone through HELL and you CANNOT blame yourself for not being able to keep up with it all (or even any of it!).
    The fact that you are reaching out to 'us' is a fabulous first step!
    As hard as it will be, you have to be honest with your ob/gyn and see what she can offer to help. It took me over a year to own up to my issues that were overwhelming me and it's time that I will never get back. When I finally decided 'today is the day' and when the check in nurse asked me how I was doing, I said "my life totally sucks right now" and the door was opened for me to get some much needed help.
    What works for me (Lexapro) might no work for you, but you need to take the next step and get help figuring out what will work.

    HUGS!!!

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  6. Oh gosh, Leigh. I love you!!
    I know how you feel-I have all these piles everywhere, but I just ignore them. THey'll go away when the kids get bigger. (I think?)

    It IS hard to be a mom. I have trouble getting lots accomplished, and I AM home some. There are so many things to keep done, no one can do it all. We all fail, but we keep trying.

    I was on Lexapro the past couple of years too, and it totally helps the low spots, but it kinda limits how happy you can feel. It keeps you in that nice middle ground (it kept me from crying ALL the time!), so it worked for a while. You have to tell the dr. the truth-you may just need meds and patience for a while. Allow yourself to feel not-so-good. It's OKAY!

    And, I got Proactiv for my little brother a few years ago, it did totally work. I also discovered that drinking lots of water (to avoid swelling..) has cleared up my skin a lot-even though I still *heart* chocolate, and don't resist even a day.

    I also use that little Notes app/feature on my phone. I have TONS of lists! It helped me at Christmas, Valentines, I use it for shopping, reminding me what I need to do today, etc. I even use the voice recorder to list groceries on the way to the store, then I write them down when I get there. I also *heart* clothespins. I pin together bills, receipts, bank deposits, order forms, etc. I tie ribbons on them so it makes my work look more exciting (but it doesn't really work) ; )

    And..the moment I get a bill (if it's not auto draft, which I love!!), I go pay it online. I even do it with doctor, or termite, or anything! You just add a payee, and they pay the postage to mail a check. Super Awesome. I've paid late fees for no reason other than forgetting to go through the mail. Wrong. I'd rather go out to eat (Chocolate!) with that money! ..or buy shoes. ; )

    Want me to turn you in for the free makeover/shopping trip? Just kidding. Boy, that'd be fun though!! Let me know what I can do to help you. I love you, and want to help!! And maybe..less Pinterest and looking at people's perfect ideas? Just Say No. ; )

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  7. Well... Since I left work early today, I thought I would write a blog. I then got distracted catching up with other people. I have to say that I completely laughed about the "take ownership" comment... I can only imagine the "Work-isms" you hear at home!! Ha ha!

    For the record ...

    (1) I can TOTALLY sympathize with all the feelings you have! I am exactly the same way -- I wish I could say it started when Ella was born, but it was LONG before then!!

    (2) From the outside, you completely look like the perfect mom!! Ask Matt, I say it a lot!! You always seem to have everything together, and I feel like it is all I can do to keep everything from falling apart!!!

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